broken.

I miss smiling
I miss not having to force my smile
I miss the long conversations
That happened every day.
I miss looking at you and knowing you were mine
Even if you and I were the only ones who knew.
I miss waiting for your messages
And I loved how they always came
I loved having you there when I cried
I miss having someone to talk to for hours
Even about nothing at all.
I miss having someone tell me they love me
Every time I felt like I wasn't worth anything.
I miss you telling me I was beautiful
But you and I both knew I never believed you  
Because if I was as beautiful and wonderful as you told me every day,
You'd still be here. I wouldn't be crying, and I wouldn't have to stop smiling.
You left me a week ago tomorrow, a day I wish I could forget
And in that week I was busy lying, assuring people I was fine.
I walked through the doors this morning and saw you standing there
Smiling and laughing; like nothing's changed.
I think we should just stay friends is the shittiest thing to hear
Because you get to keep me around and I'm supposed to act like that's okay.
We were together at lunch today, friendly conversation and a single high five
But I caught your stares, every single one of them
And when I turned around today to see your big brown eyes barrelling into mine
It took all my force to look away and face forward.
Because in the back of the room with you is where I know I should be.
I miss you telling me good night, right before I close my eyes
I'm keeping your messages, because I want to read them all.  
I miss having you defend me in front of your friends
Like my knight in shining armour.
I miss dressing up in the morning, knowing I'd see you
I miss who I thought you were.
I miss the idea of you changing because I was worth it.
And the next time you turn to look at me please realize
I'm not the one who left you behind.